How things change.

How things change…

I had totally forgotten about this blog that I have. What do I know next? I get an email reminding me this place exists, and here I am back on this blog, reading some of my old stuff. It almost makes me embarrassed to have written some of this stuff because of how much my life has changed and how much I feel like I have changed.

First thing is first, I am no longer in a relationship.
—–It happened 6 months ago. I was heart broken, but now I have moved on 110% and I feel like a brand new person. It was hard, I did a lot of soul searching and finding out who I was without him, but I have come out of it, and now, finally, after 6 months am I finally able to say I have moved on and realised that while I did love him, he was not the right person for me. I changed parts of myself to fit in with his life and his views, and when you are in a relationship, you want to be accepted 100%. I didn’t realise this at the time, probably because I was so wiling to make those sacrifices and it didn’t really matter, but now i see how important it is to keep your identity and to fight for who YOU are, not for who someone wants you to be.

Secondly, I travelled solo.
—–It was my first solo trip. I went to Nepal, which was a holiday I used to rediscover myself and to get away from everything. It wast through this holiday that I feel like I gained so much, and I feel like I have come back somewhat different, somewhat more daring, and more confident and willing to try new things. This holiday for me was exactly what I needed at the time. Time to myself, time in a new country, time with new people.

Thirdly, I got my motorbike license.
—–I have had my L’s for ages, but never thought I would ride again, until the day I did. I fell in love with riding and got my P’s a week later. Now I have been searching high and low for a good bike to buy, with no success, however the search continues.

Fourthly, I want a tattoo.
—–I haven’t got one yet, mostly because I am lazy, however on the plane ride back from Nepal, I decided what I wanted. It has been over a month and I am still pretty damn set on getting this tattoo. I just need it to happen, soon I hope.

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Why do I blog?

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Today, one of my friends asked me if I kept an online diary, and in many ways, this is my online diary because it is my way of expressing feelings I do not wish to share, and also moments I want to cherish. 

But I have not been back here for a long time, and in all honesty, I forgot about this blog until she reminded me by bringing the topic up. 

I think I started blogging back in my early teenage years. It was a period of time where I was going through many crisis’. I felt like I was misunderstood, it was me against the world, my identity was rocky and I was in a very uncertain phase of my life. 

But now, everything is so clear. I have my goals, I have the people in my life whom I love, and I have a family that I cherish in my own way, I’m healthy, I have a job, I’m continuing my studies next year into my masters degree… so I don’t think I really have anything to complain about! Maybe that is why I have been neglecting this blog so much. 

This blog was what I came to when I had no body else, or when I was too scared to talk to anybody. But ever since meeting Zak, he has taught me to not be afraid of that, and to talk, communicate and express my thoughts and feelings, because that is the only way others around me will understand where I am coming from and what I want. 

I had always believed I was more outspoken in terms of my feelings and thoughts than most people, but I guess that was just a front. He saw through that and wanted to get to know deeper and deeper things about me. Things so personal I feel embarrassed thinking about it, let along sharing them to anyone! But with his efforts, he forced these things out to me. So now, he is what I turn to. 

I cannot believe it has already been 10 months together with Zak. The past 10 months have been so amazing, and he has truly showed me what it is like to be happy and to feel loved so dearly by another. He has made me into a person I am happy with, and he has changed my life in many aspects. Having Zak in my life has made me realise how far people are willing to go for their loved ones. I am so grateful to have him in my life, and I really do look forward to our future together, because I cannot see a future without him in it. 

In other news… I graduated on monday 16th December from the University of Melbourne with a Bachelor in Science, Major in Pathology!!

That blogging kind of mood.

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Today marks the end of my three year Bachelor degree (assuming I pass all of my final exams). Next year, I will be completing my masters in nursing. However, it isn’t at my current university, which is the University of Melbourne. The master of nursing practice is at Monash University, in Clayton. For those who are not melbournians, that is quite far away. It means it will take me roughly 1 hour 45 minutes to travel to Monash University from home. It also means I wont be able to spend much time with Zak. 

We had a talk today. He brought it up. If I am going to be at Monash, and him at Melbourne, it would make it very difficult for us to even see each other. It would be easier if we lived close. But he lives a little over an hour’s drive from my house. We only ever spent time together when we both at Uni days. But next year, all that is going to change. 

Its not only the distance, its our prioritising. Zak wants to get into med, which will take roughly another 7 years and is going to be so intense, and requires his 110%. Nursing is going to be my 110%. So if we are both so focused on reaching our goals and so busy studying to achieve them, what about each other ? 

We decided we needed a plan to follow. A specific day every week we would call ‘Zak and Cindy day’. However I know it is going to be so difficult for my to follow this plan. I know I will struggle immensely in the beginning,  then that struggle will wear off as I get used to the routine. However the thought of hardly ever seeing Zak really puts me in a sad mood. I guess what I have to realise is, this is going to be 7 years of our life, compared to the rest of our life. The more we focus, and the earlier we reach our goals, the sooner we get to be together. 

Nursing is my dream, however Zak is my life. I can live without nursing, however I do not want to live without Zak. I know those words are so easily thrown around, and it probably doesn’t mean much, however I just don’t know how to express my love, and the feelings I carry for this boy. 

So that was my today. 

Things and Japan.

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Konichiwa amigos ! 

Just recently, Zak and I travelled to Japan for a holiday ! The flight itself felt like it was an entire holiday of its own. We caught a flight from melbourne to kuala lumpur, where we had a 7 hour layover in their airport which consisted of around 5 different eatery’s and 5 different stores, excluding the duty free store. Needless to say, we were bored, however we could not leave the airport because to travel to the closest ‘shopping district’ or anything exciting was about an hour away – we were stuck. We arrived in japan at 11:30PM after a tiring 24 hour flight all up. 

Zak and I originally had sumo wrestling tickets, however silly me booked them without realising they were so damn far away and a train ticket to see the sumo wrestling, which consisted of a four hour train ride, was more expensive than the tickets itself, which cost us $137 each. So we thought we would just explore and do some sight seeing. The first few hours were a nightmare. We were so confused with their transportation system and it did not help that neither of us spoke a word of Japanese. Eventually, we found this Japanese girl at starbucks who spoke perfect english and gladly took time to explain a few things to us. When eventually we got a grasp of how their public transport system worked, it was much easier and we were able to blend in better. 

Due to our asian descent, many of the Japanese folks believed we were Japanese. Every time we entered a restaurant, they would speak to us like we were locals until we had to cut in and say “ENGLISH”, then they would struggle with a few words. Sometimes, it was fun to just pretend we were Japanese and see how far we could go. We never really got too far. 

Japan is famous for their temples and shrines, and needless to say, we went to a good handful of them. I think by the end of the trip the last thing I wanted to do was look at a temple. 

On the third day, we decided to go to disneyland. It was absolutely beautiful. Before we had even entered the actual gates to disneyland, I felt like I had already experienced the disneyland. Did I even need to go inside? The outside design was so intricate and detailed and simply breath taking. Of course, if you go into disneyland, you have to watch the parade and go on the disney rides. 

The next day, we decided to visit Harajuku and the shopping district. It was INSANE. I remember we were walking around and just being like omg look at this omg look at that. Mostly, it was the crazy makeup the girls had on their faces, or how some of them were screaming so loud to advertise their store my ear drums may have been on the verge of bursting. It was definitely an experience for sure. I also noticed there were not many mens clothing down harajuku area, which was a shame because I felt a bit bad for dragging zak to all the ladies stores. 

The next day, we decided to check out shibuya. Shibuya was quite exciting and had quite a lot of things to do. I think one of the more interesting places we got to visit was in Shibuya and it was the Science museum. Maybe it is just because I am a science kid, and so I found everything a little fascinating ! Of course, if in shibuya, you have to visit the shibuya crossing. It just so happened that the day we decided to cross the crossing, election time was coming around so there were more people than usual. I was literally sardined in between people, rubbing sweat with others and being pushed along. This was one of the times I saw a bit of the aggressive side of the Japanese. They were pretty rough and I felt like a little puppet being pushed around. It didnt help that it was extremely hot as well ! When eventually we made it out, we decided to go upstairs into starbucks to take a picture of the madness. Here we met a Japanese man who used to live in Sydney. He was a photographer and he showed us some photos he had taken, told us a few stories which were interesting to hear about.

The following monday, we decided to do a mountain bike riding class. I had never been mountain bike riding before, and in my head, it was a lot simpler than it actually was. We rode into ditches and up little hills and down the stairs before we actually hit the tracks. Some of the tracks were so steep I simple walked the bike down. The paths were rocky and I was not confident, but I made it to the end. I also got my first leech experience out of that, which I kind of screamed and made Zak pull it off my ankle.

 

We visited the big buddha which was 11m tall. That was one of the checkpoints of the trip. We saw the buddha, however there was not much else for us there. Maybe we were just too tired to look, however what we really needed was rest. So we had an early night for a big two days ahead of us: Mt. Fuji. 

We booked the sunrise tour which meant we would get up there in time to watch the sunrise. There were a lot of older people in the tour, and I don’t think a few of us were expecting that. There was a group of us, who were obviously more capable at going at a quicker speed, however we were stuck behind a group of Japanese people moving much, much slower. It didn’t help that the tour group was around 40 people either. We were not informed we were going to be joining up with another tour, which was what made it so big! And so after a lot of talk that one of the other girls in the group did, we were able to separate and climb mt. fuji on our own.

We started climbing at 12PM. After climbing for four hours, we took a rest at a mountain hut, and then started the ascent again at 10:30PM. We reached the summit at around 3AM in the morning. It was absolutely FREEZING up there. We were just standing there, huddled and trying to keep warm. Both Zak and I had around 3-4 layers of clothing on, and still we were shivering. I think we really under estimated how cold it would be. When stores opened at 4AM, we were able to sit inside and drink miso soup to keep warm until the sunrise at 4:45AM.

After the sunrise, we walked around the crater before starting the descent. At one point around the crater walk, the slope was literally around 70 degrees and many of us had to hold onto the rail built on the side to get up. Going down was a lot tougher than I expected, and I think many people see the climbing as the tough bit, often under estimating the descent, however it was horrible on the knees. It didn’t help that I already had fluid build up in my knee cap before mt. fuji, and so I really struggled here. 

After reaching the bottom, we rejoined our tour and all went to an onsen. This was one of the most different experiences of my life. You walk in and the first thing you do is leave your shoes in a locker. Then the boys and girls separate and you walk into another room of lockers and you strip down to nothing. I was a little uncomfortable at first because I had never been naked infront of complete strangers, and I was also there with a group of girls that toured mt. fuji with Zak and I. At first, it was weird, but then because how comfortable everyone was, I eased up a little.

After removing your clothes, you walk into a communal shower which is in the same room as the onsens. The showers were not a standup shower, but a sitdown shower. There are a few rows of stools where you sit down and wash your body and hair. This has to be done before entering the hot spring. You also are not allowed to have your hair in the hot spring and so if you have long hair, they ask you to tie it up. 

After another well deserved day of rest, we made our way to kyoto where we saw a more traditional side of Japan. Here we rented a city bike and rode around to check out more temples and a bit of the traditional Japan. Kyoto was beautiful. We stayed in a Ryokan, which is a traditional japanese housing where you sleep on tatami mats. I think this is a must do in Japan. 

The next day we visited hiroshima. This day was a pretty sad day. We watched and read little short clips about people who had written about their experiences and visited the memorial and the A-bomb zone. What did surprise me was that no body was wearing face masks here. I would have expected hiroshima to be the most heavily radiated place, but I did not see anybody with a face mask, however back in tokyo, every second person wore one. That was one thing that astonished me a little. 

We spent one last day in tokyo doing last minute souvenirs before catching our flight back to melbourne. The Japan experience was definitely an amazing one, however I think by the end of the trip, both Zak and I were just too tired. We did lots in one day most days and it drained the energy from us. We were both glad, on some level, to be leaving but also sad to head back to reality. 

 

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This holiday was also our first trip away together. Of course, there had still been a lot that we didn’t know about each other before this trip. After spending 14 consecutive days with Zak, 24/7, we got to see a different side to each other. He told me the things I did that irritated him and I told him the things that irritated me. It was good that even though we were telling each other, we could still laugh about it, because I guess it was things he would have found out eventually, like my impatience and his patience. He likes to be very meticulous and careful whereas I cannot wait too long and I just want to do things the quickest way. 

But despite that, it was the best 14 days for me. People often say that a holiday either makes it or breaks it. You would think we would have been sick of each other after 14 days and possibly needed a few days apart, but I woke up the next morning and my bed just felt so empty without Zak. I missed him instantly, and then I get a text message from him stating how much he missed me. I guess we are both in the same boat. – it wasn’t enough. 

This holiday simple showed me just how much I love him, and how every action he does makes me want to squeeze him so tight. His smile is so radiant and I believe this was a make it holiday. I love him to bits and as I am writing this, I am missing him. 

 

Konichiwa me.

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So this time next month, I will be in Japan, with Mr. Zakaria Sultani. We are travelling from the 18th-31st of July, and honestly, I am just a tad bit excited ! I cannot wait to sit in a plane with Zak and just have his company for the long flight. I cannot wait to spend every hour with him, getting to know him even better, sleep beside him, wake up beside him, create new memories with him and most importantly, BE IN FLIPPIN’ JAPAN BABY! 

We have already booked everything, so there is nothing left for us to stress about. All there is to do is pack our luggage, wait for the 18th and jet off at midnight! 

When we arrive on the 18th, that night we have booked two tickets to a sumo wrestling match, sitting from row, box seats. I just cannot wait to see the wrestlers and see how big they are !! 

We have also booked a two day overnight mt. fuji tour. Basically, we will start climbing at night and by the time we reach the top, it will be sunrise and we can watch the sun rise from the top, then walk back down and bathe in an onsen for the afternoon. It will be a workout, but I’m sure we will both feel fit, healthy and fresh after it ! (as well as tired) 

We have also booked in a mountain bike riding session and a night in a tradition Japanese home. 

I cannot wait to explore the country, eat their food, and experience their culture ! FUN FUN FUN 😀 

 

Meet the parents, Zak.

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On saturday, Zak came to my house for the very first time. He got here, and messaged me that he was here. I went out to see him and as he was walking towards me, I could tell he was nervous. I asked him: you’re nervous aren’t you? and he just put me into his arms and said, yes… 

He went in and met my parents. They had a conversation, which I was very surprised about. Especially with my mum. She point blank refused to speak to my sisters ex-boyfriend, but with Zak, I could see that she was actually trying to make conversation. Maybe she can see how important he means to me. Or maybe she just wanted to suss him out. I could tell Zak was nervous as he was speaking to my parents. It was adorable. When finally, we were done, and we headed out for dinner, he practically ran up the stairs in excitement it was over, and probably just the after jittery feeling. 

But after he had calmed down, Zak told me that usually when he meets people, he can get a good feeling of whether they will get along or not, and with my parents, he felt that they could have a very strong relationship. That made me happy. 

My parents also told me that they liked Zak. They said, however, it was as long as I was happy. I’m glad they are so accepting about Zak, and that they like him. 

That night was a special night, 18/05/2013. 

After the night we drove the car and parked it at the highest point in metropolitan melbourne, looked at the city lights, talked, laughed and enjoyed ourselves. It was beautiful. He held me in his arms and told me how much he loved me, and it is moments like this, I never want to end. Hearing the sweet, gentle words that come from his lips as he holds me in his arms, stroking my hair and planting soft kisses on my face. 

 

Beautiful.

Searching for Gold.

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Image 

We spiral down the corals, 

lightly dusted with speckles of gold

that shine blue and purple 

as the rays brush against it. 

 

The beauty is not displayed long, 

before pain, hate and destruction

scour the dirt embedded in the land

reigning with chaos as it buries 

the once speckles of bliss.

 

Riches such as this are not made to be found 

for then any soul could hunger over 

and destroy the purity of the matter. 

So sift cautiously and the gems shall show. 

What is the greatest compliment you’ve ever received?

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I was just sitting here, thinking about one of the greatest compliments I’ve had said about me. There is one that stands out. 

I was at The University of Melbourne’s fashion show two years ago. Anybody could apply to become a model for the show, and if you were successful, you could walk the cat walk in fancy labels and get done up. I really wanted to enter it, but I was scared to, on the chance I would get rejected. 

After the night, I was standing outside, waiting for my friend, one guy said to me, ‘Great show! You looked great!’ I told him, ‘I wasn’t a model’ and he told me ‘Well you should have been.’ 

What was the best compliment you’ve ever received? 

Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes !

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If every thing goes according to my plan, 

when the time comes, 

I will get down on my knee and pop that special question. 

I will get down on my knees a hundred times over. 

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

Zak said that to me last night. 

When I heard it, I nearly melted. 

There was one time, when we were sitting at San Churro’s, he said that if he was sure he wanted to spend the rest of his life with someone, he wouldn’t wait to ask her to marry him, as long as he had a house, had a stable job, and the approval of his family. 

If Zak asked me right now, I would say yes. I am so in love with him. 

He means the world to me, in fact, he is more than the world, he is my universe. The stars light up when he is around me, and every thing around me instantaneously becomes brighter, warmer, happier. His face brings a smile to my eyes, and every time I see him for the first time of the day, my heart skips a beat. I see him, and I am so amazed, so astounded, so confused. How did I get him? He is the love of my life. The man I need by my side. Without him, I will surely collapse. He motivates me, he pushes me and he loves me. I miss him every moment I am away from him. 

I believe in us, I really do, but I am also scared, scared that he doesn’t love me as much as I love him, and that his family will not accept us. Is he preparing himself for that? Is he going to give up or fight for me? 

I cannot lose this boy. He means too much to me. I have never loved any body the way I love him. That is how far my love for him goes. 

 

Zak, the day you ask me that question I am dying to hear, I will say yes, a hundred times over. I want to be yours for the rest of my life. 

Pneumonia.

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Over tuesday night, Zak got really sick, and so this morning, he went to the doctors and he told him that he was coming down with pneumonia. I saw him on monday, and I saw him today. It was such a drastic change. 

Today he just looked so sick, and so fragile. He looked weak in his steps, weak in his actions, and he looked tired. He was coughing blood, he was feverish. Seeing him like that broke my heart. He wouldn’t let me come near him. He kept avoiding me, telling me to stay away from him but all i wanted to do was hold him, and to touch him and comfort him. A part of me actually wanted to catch his virus, so that we could both just be sick in bed together and look after each other, but that’s just stupid. I know if I ended up getting his virus, Zak would be so angry. 

What worried me even more was he fainted in his shower, but luckily his dad walked in and found him. The fact that he was passed out for so long, and he had to be found by his dad is a little scary. You always see those things happen in the movies, but in real life, I don’t think I’ve ever encountered someone have this happen. He went straight to bed after that. 

Hopefully he gets better soon.