, , , , , , ,

Lately, I have been trying to become a better person.  Of my years of existence so far, I have always been two different girls.  One girl who I am with my family, and the other girl who I am with my friends.  My family always saw the bad side of me, and I always took everything out on them.  I know as a teenager, I always felt like the black sheep in my family.  I felt like I did not belong, and that they were out to make my life a living hell, that they did not care about me and I was the mistake that never should have been brought into the world.

However, a few months ago, someone said something to me which really made me realise that it wasn’t them, it was me, and I had to change if I wanted to be that better person.  He told me that I was still young, and I could change myself, I could work to become a better person.  But do you think a 50 year old man (referring to my dad), who has been who he is for so long will start to change?”  I realised that I didn’t have to blame other people for my unhappiness, and that I was in charge of myself, and how other people would perceive me, I could change.

I think it is safe to say that my relationship with my family is now better than it has ever been.  We haven’t been fighting and it has been pretty smooth sailing.  I really hope that it can be like this forever, because the way things are with all of us now, well, its as close to perfect as we can hope for it to be.

Another thing that I have decided to change about myself is the way I am with boys.  For as long as I remember, I have always craved the attention of particular boys, and I like to make them fall for me, and then leave.  People call this ‘leading people on’.  I have lead my good share of boys, and although I knew it was wrong to do so, I always just felt so lonely if I didn’t.  I tell people and I tell myself that I am not a relationship person, but my sister saw through me the other day.  She told me that I was lying to myself, and really, I am.  I could be a great relationship girl, if I was with a boy who I really, truly liked.  The hard part is falling for somebody hard enough and long enough to make me want to be with them for a long time.

I’m not going to lead any one else on, and although I will feel lonely without all the attention, it’s the right thing to do.  I’m just going to wait for Ryan, because I really feel like exploring the possibilities with him more – if he still feels the same when the time comes.

Speaking of Ryan, today is week 5 of him having left.  Three more weeks and hopefully he will be back, and safe, and healthy, and we can resume a little bit of emailing.

I wonder what else I should change about myself to become a better person.