Last night, I couldn’t go to sleep. I was looking forward to today – I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t. I woke up at 7:00AM this morning and layed in anticipation for what today would bring. I knew that I’d be seeing Ryan in a few hours, and I didn’t know what was going to happen, I didn’t know what to expect, or how we would be around each other.
He came in the afternoon. I was nervous, really nervous. We hadn’t seen or spoken to each other in two months, and he messaged me out of the blue for a favour. I felt it was a little awkward at first, we were both a bit unsure what today and our meeting would be like. We both didn’t know what to expect. I didn’t know whether to give him a hug or not, and so I didn’t. He did, however, ask for one later on and I guess that was what sort of broke the ice and allowed the both of us realise how we felt, what we wanted and such.
It was a hug that contained way too much emotions attached to it. We were literally wrapped in each others arms for too long. It was not a friend’s hug.
We joked around, we laughed, we talked, and then we approached the topic that had been lingering around for a long time, but neither of us had touched yet. That’s when things started getting a little more serious, and thats when the last two months of separation kind of got washed away and I landed back into square #1, maybe even a few squares back, actually.
He’s leading me on. He’s keeping me on my toes. My friend thinks I deserve better. He thinks Ryan is too indecisive and then he continued to lecture me. I was a wreck after Ryan left today. I was just overwhelmed with the information he had given me. How we might have another chance, how he didn’t know whether he could go back to his old life and the more he was living it, the more he was realising it. He told me how happy I made him, but even still, he can’t make any decisions due to the nature of his work, which is understandable. But he said he should be receiving a definite answer from the army in a few weeks. So what then? I expect definite answers. I can’t stick around for the maybes and mights, because it seems thats all I’ve been getting with him. A bunch of options and things that had potential to happen. This time, I want definite.
It still doesn’t change the fact I’m a bit hopeful again. I knew seeing him would be a bad idea. I tried to stay away, but when I took it as a sign that I should see him, and I accepted the fact I was going to see him, I got too excited. I let myself get carried away. I told myself before I saw him that I wasn’t going to go back to him for he already left me behind once, but when I saw him again, and when I think about how he left because it was the right thing to do, and he wanted to do the right thing, how can I resist? It all just seemed so insignificant anymore, and I suddenly didn’t care about the little thing I told myself before I saw him.
I know I’ve been so vague and I’m not giving much information away about our situation…I wonder if what I said even makes sense to anyone else but me?