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Not that I have ever been pregnant before, or know how it feels like to be pregnant… but I feel like I am reaching my 9 months and any day, the baby is going to pop. I keep sitting on edge, thinking, today could be the day… and it feels like you’re living your life day by day by day by day until this baby pops out. That’s how I feel.  But rest assured, I am not pregnant. 

I’m waiting for a bloody email from Ryan. I know – I said we cut off contact and he was out of my life for good, but the last message he sent me said that he needed time to clear his head and think and he would get back in touch with me when he had figured things out. Now, it has been over a week, and every day, I think, maybe today I will get that email, and before I know it, an entire day has passed with no email. Every time my phone flashes the email icon, I get excited (slightly) and I hope (majorly) but no, it is just some stupid subscription I signed up for and don’t actually ever read or care about. 

I have a feeling that I won’t actually hear from Ryan until maybe a few months down the track and he’ll tell me all this progress on his life like I am expected to just know this was what he chose to do.  Maybe I am expected to know, but even so, I like hearing the definite answers from him. 

I was so close to messaging him tonight, but then I thought, no, I cannot. I need to move on, if I email him, I am taking 4 steps backwards and what I need know is about 98 steps forward.