Our first night together.

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On wednesday night, we spent our first night together. We booked a cute room in the city, spent it enjoying each other’s company. We went out to eat at an All-you-can-eat buffet at the Crown Casino. We got soaking wet in the rain getting there, but the food was so beautiful. We watched a movie, and he fell asleep in my arms. He was so tired, and he looked so adorable in his sleep, so peaceful, and so lovely. I didn’t want to wake him up. 

I don’t know how he got under my skin so quickly, but these three months have been the happiest I have been in so long. He keeps the smile on my face, he brings the warmth to my cheeks, and leaves me in a breathless state. With Zak, I am looking forward to the future – our future. I wonder what it will bring, but regardless of what it is, I believe, with all my heart, that we will endure through it. He will be mine. 

I have read so many forums online, where people ask, when do you know you are in love? When do you know you have found the one? And the answer always is: You will know when it happens to you, it is just this feeling. I now understand this feeling they speak of. It’s the feeling of certainty, of happiness, optimism, hope, desire, persistance, love, weakness and vulnerability.  It is a lot of feelings, and when brewed together, brings out this feeling that is indescribable. 

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Him.

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Him.

We havent known each other for very long, but you don’t need to know someone for a long time to know who they truly are. I know who he is, and I know how I feel about him.
He makes me feel weak at my knees – literally. I know this is cliche, but when he kisses me, I actually feel the instability under my feet.
When I breathe him in, he empties my head, and for a few seconds, I actually feel completely out of it. He makes me happy.
The last time I felt this way was around 4 years ago. I actually cannot stop the smile on my face. Every thing he does just makes me smile.
The way he concentrates while he is studying his notes, the way he looks when he’s trying to figure me out and his eye brows just knit together and he purses his lips and he kind of shakes his head a little bit. The way he eats, and the way his mouth moves. Every little action he does just makes me smile.
Sometimes, he will just take my hand, and kiss every finger tip, and its those simple, cute, actions like this that just makes me appreciate him all that more.
I love being in his arms, and when we are sitting across each other at a dinner table at a restaurant, I feel so far away from him. I can’t reach out and touch him, or kiss him because he’s just too far, and that is something that really irritates me when we eat.
I love when he just holds my face and kisses me.
I love when he rubs his face against mine and all of a sudden, we’re not human, we’re cats just rubbing against each other.

There are so many things.

Pregnancy Scare.

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This morning, I had a pregnancy scare. Since my last period, i had taken my pills on time every single day, had not missed a day, and was ensuring I was protected. So why would I have any reason to be scared ? 

I did infact, have a UTI infection. UTI (Urinary tract infection) was something that I experienced first when I was still an adolescent because I refused to go to the toilet when it was time to go, and so I eventually developed a UTI. It was ongoing, however I never thought much about it, until this time round, it got quite severe to the point I was actually finding blood on the toilet paper. 

So I went to the doctors. Antibiotics weaken the affect of the pill. I was alright with that, because that only meant we needed another form of contraception. However, the other day, I had a break down in the middle of the city. I never cry in public. That was when I first thought…am I pregnant? why am I being over-emotional? But to justify the crying, I was having a pretty shit day. 

Then, after my UTI infection had healed, I still felt the urge to go to the toilet every 5 minutes. My best friend google told me that it was a sign of pregnancy in the early stages. Pregnancy fright number two. 

After reading that, and linking the two together, I started to feel nausea… I felt sick. What if I was pregnant? Or was me feeling this another sign of pregnancy? 

I drove straight to my local pharmacist and got a pregnancy test. I tested negative, thankfully. But I read the back of the package, and it said that hCG (which is a hormone that is produced only when women are pregnant) would be most traceable at the first urination in the morning. Since the morning, I had urinated around 5 times, and it was only 11AM. So then I thought, so it told me I was negative, but what if it’s because I’ve peed so much my hCG levels are just so low and undetectable right now? 

So although I do feel better, I have made a doctors appointment for tomorrow to be certain for sure. Wish me luck guys… I think I really need it :(.

My love, my love.

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Spiralling down tranquility as it carries me to ecstasy

while ripples of your touch vibrate the entirety of my body.

Sending me into heartbeats of heaven and then reviving me back

with a kiss, so tender, so sweet, I fall again into the same track.

You are the entity of the world I envision every night

as we lay hand in hand while sparking the galaxy of the stars alight

and watching them twirl on their feet for us, for even the night sky cheers

as we tenderly whisper words of passion into each other’s ears.

So I’ve been warned.

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Zak told me at the very beginning that his ex girlfriends have told him that he was a very un-romantic person. He didn’t know how to be. I was alright with that. I mean, I wasn’t expecting any fancy gestures from him or anything. 

BUT, it’s my birthday this saturday, and I think he has forgotten. I planned to go out with my girlfriends this saturday, and I told him he could come and bring some friends along too, however he said that he was planning on studying on saturday. He then said he was planning on going to a friend’s birthday on the friday night, when we had already made plans. I guess I’m just a little upset about that whole situation. I don’t want to seem needy, however I would have liked to spend friday night with him, but I guess if he wants to go to the party, then whatever. I’m not going to make a big deal out of him forgetting my birthday. 

Insecure.

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There is no denying it anymore, I am an insecure bitch. I was never like that. I never cared, I never worried about people not liking me, and I was never afraid to lose somebody but right now, I am so scared. 

With boy no.1, I didn’t care because I was confident he wasn’t going to go anywhere. 

With boy no.2, I didn’t care because I simply didn’t care that much about us (mean, I know). 

With boy no.3, I didn’t care because it was just too complicated to care, and I was just going to see where it took me. 

With boy no.4 and current, I care, so much. I don’t want to lose him but I want to distance myself from him so I won’t care if he does leave me. I just don’t want to feel the pain. Although he doesn’t show it, I know he must care about me… he’s just not good at showing it? But I like to have his attention. However, I know he is busy with a lot of things right now. For one, his studies, which I know is number 1. 

Caring has turned me into someone I don’t want to be. I feel dependent and attached and one of those girls who just wants to drop everything for their significant other. I feel like I’m turning into the people who I used to cringe at when I would see walking down the street. I feel like I’m just turning into a different person. I’m moody, I get upset at the smallest things and I just pick at everything, I question things and I’m just all round shit. 

fear #1.

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I am scared. scared that I am going to be the reason that zak and I ends up falling. last night we got into a bit of an argument. it was not a big one, but it left us both feeling like shit and it was not a good way to end the night, especially when we were having such a beautiful day. it was my fault. 

I am scared that he is going to get to know me more and not like what he finds. he told me that he has not been this happy before and I do not want that to change. he said last night changes nothing, I hope so but I can not help but still be scared. 

What is happening to me?

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Today, I got pissed off at Zak. It was our first day back at uni and I saw him, however I felt like he was pushing me away and didn’t want to be seen to be together with me around campus. When we were alone in our lecture, he was back to his old self, but outside, it was something different. I brought it up with him and he just told me that he didn’t feel it was necessary to show intimate affection at uni, but then how come it’s only like that when we are in public? Being in public never stopped him before, it was only at uni that did. 

Having that little talk with him scared me. I now feel scared, scared that I’m going to keep falling for him so hard, and he’s going to stop falling for me. At the beginning, he was the one who was scared, but now, I’m scared. What if he gets to know me more and he decides that he doesn’t like the person who I am ?  I have never been scared and uncertain like this before.  I don’t want to lose him. 

LOVE.

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I am falling for Zak, hard. The other day while I was in the movies with him, I had the biggest urge to say to him: ‘I love you’. But I didn’t. Today, when I spent the evening with him, I had those urges again, however, I did not say it either. I’m stopping myself because I don’t want it to be one sided, and I feel like it’s too early to feel this way… I’ve been with him for 1 month, however it feels like it’s been so much longer. I think I’m just falling into the expectations of society, and because society would believe it’s too soon to love somebody after a month, I’m feeling this way too. Is it too soon?

Why have I heard it so many times ?

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I feel like every time I am involved with any guy, they always have to tell me how amazing I am, and how they have fallen for me so much. Does every guy say this to every girl or am I just oozing fabulous ? 

Last night, Zak and I had a conversation that went something along the lines of: 

Zak: I’m scared of loving you too much .

Me: Oh, so you love me already?

Zak: Love is a very strong word. 

Me: You’re the one who said it. 

Zak: I’m very close to. 

Or is it just the boys who I fall for tend to fall very easily ? 

I remember when I used to think that it was so stupid to be jealous of an ex, or something from somebody’s past. But with Zak, I actually felt jealous of what he had with his other two girlfriends. Sometimes, I don’t know if I will be enough. I pick up on little things that bug me and then the fact that I pick it up and it bugs me BUGS ME EVEN MORE. I don’t want to be one of those girls who just complains about their boyfriends ex’s and past and how insecure they are. Because although I admit, I am a pretty insecure person, I don’t want to be perceived that way.  EH!